And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
