bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
