just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
