I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
