I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
