Cold hands, warm shart.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
