my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
