I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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