so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
