I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
