Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
