Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
