My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Randomize
