the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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