Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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