I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I look better un-naked...
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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