i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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