fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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