My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
