the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
