the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
