Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
