we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
