look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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