when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
