he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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