I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
