she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
