whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
