It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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