you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
