Your mouth is God's brothel.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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