I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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