woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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