got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize