what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
