No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
