It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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