My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize