About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize