oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
