I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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