bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
