he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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