I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
