somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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