I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I need to calm my uterus...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
