P.S. I can't hear my feet
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
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