I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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