I looked at my own cervix.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
