youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
