dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
