Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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