I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
