Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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