I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
