Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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