Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
