Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
