i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
