3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize