ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
