We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
